Restoration is possible. Jesus wants to breathe into us and give us a genuine strength we can offer to our Eve. But we have to deal with our own woundedness because a wounded, hurting, un-validated man is ripe to be taken out. We must battle this in real time – every time you see an image on TV or a woman across the restaurant, bring Jesus in … “She is not life. I bring the cross of Christ against my enemy. Only in you Lord Jesus will I find true life.” When a memory surfaces, out of nowhere, of an old girlfriend or an impure moment, bring Jesus into it.
Now… we can talk about pursuing Eve…
We need to understand her heart, her core desires and how she is wounded. First … she is wounded. Every woman you know is a deep well. The grass is not greener on the other side. Satan hates Eve. He was once beauty and no longer is. She is. His is a kingdom of death and she births life.
Know her story and how her father handled her heart. Every little girl is yearning for someone to choose her. “Am I beautiful?” “Am I worth fighting for?”
Women have their own version of pornography … romance. The TV shows, the Hallmark movies, the novels, etc. they always have the hero coming to fight for her heart. He sees what no one else sees and she deeply desires to be seen as captivating. Every girl wants this and every girl is wounded here.
The #1 predictor of sexual promiscuity in teenage girls is the presence of a father. If she doesn’t get it answered by Dad, she will take the question to boys. She’ll have sex hoping that some boy will truly love her.
Eve’s # 1 fear? To be abandoned. You notice this in relationship failures she has – be it her Mom or her Dad or a dear friend or a broken relationship with her child … she just comes completely unraveled.
You are meant to fight for Eve. Not to get strength from her but to offer strength to her. This is perhaps our most misunderstood dynamic. We men are coming at Eve all wrong.
You and I have all kinds of wounds and issues and insecurities from our past when we meet our wives. We finally find a woman that will put up with our stupidity (!) and actually likes us and we fight to win her. And when we win her … we hand her all our hurts and hang-ups that have been there a decade or longer and have zero to do with her and expect her to then validate and heal us.
We don’t exist as men to offer weakness to our Eve and have her fix it. We exist as men to put her ahead of ourselves. “To love her as Christ loved the church”. We need to fight for her, pursue her heart, step in on her behalf – and when she realizes, “Oh, there actually is someone really willing to fight for me?” Wow, it’s powerful.
Where was she wounded? If it was neglect, be sure not to neglect her! If she was never told that she mattered, you need to be sure to tell her she matters. Your words, your actions – they can be very healing. Of course she gets her healing from Jesus but as your wife, you play a key role. You’re made as a warrior and the very first battle Adam was given to fight was for Eve.
You will encounter spiritual warfare all over this. The feelings of “Geez this will never get better. I don’t want to fight for her, I want to run. I don’t want to have deep conversations that make me uncomfortable about our marriage”. It’s resignation. Fight this. Yes…you do want to do this! You’re a man. Go in. Fight.
Pray for her. You have authority because you are praying in Jesus’ name. The enemies you face that are assaulting her are vastly cunning. They are ancient and skilled in the practice of deceit and warfare. But … they will respond to your commands on behalf of your wife because you are praying in the name of Jesus. They will respond to the absolute authority of Christ. In fact, the entire spiritual realm is built on authority. Just as Christ is the head of the Church, you are the head of your wife. You have authority to fight for her. Your prayers over her and on her behalf will have a real impact.
We are to be tender towards her brokenness and fierce towards her enemy. Isaiah 61 after we are set free and restored, the Word says that we will become “oaks of righteousness”.
(Les Mis film clip 32.46 – 38:38) You see him being both fierce and tender. Holiness. He stands down her accuser … “You are dismissed. Enough! Leave!” Try that in your prayers against the enemy over your wife! Dismiss him. Tell him “enough!” Tell him to leave in Jesus’ name that he cannot have your wife and heap destruction upon her anymore!
Stacy was under assault of being “overwhelmed”. There was a deep woundedness. He worked to unpack that with her, inviting Jesus in, helping to restore her heart, breaking agreements, fighting for her, bringing Christ in to fight against her enemy. It works.
Beauty – I’ve yet to meet a woman who thinks she is truly beautiful. Even super models struggle with this. We can speak into this “you are so beautiful”. Will she ever believe it? That’s not the question. Do you believe it? If you believe it then you have something to bring to her.
You cannot do any of this effectively if you’re taking your question to her. Check your motives in all this. She cannot be the report card on the effectiveness of your impact on the world as a man. The danger is you go in for a few rounds and fight for her and it just doesn’t change course and you withdraw and check out. To go in and give it a try and then quit in your pursuit of her … that only helps to confirm to her that she isn’t worth pursuing.
Quitting. Giving up. Divorce. Adultery … is saying, “I know you deeply and I know you are not worth pursuing.” This strikes a deep, devastating blow at Eve. It is why God hates divorce. That is the essence of divorce – it is saying “you are not worth pursuing and you no longer capable of meeting my needs”. It’s a deadly blow to a woman who already believes this about herself in the first place.
This is crucial and the key —> we don’t do any this for what we can get in return. “I’m doing all this and you’re not responding. Hey reward me for my valor. Give me something. Throw me a bone”. The original motive is way off base. That man is focused on what he gets out of it.
There is no guarantee this will work. But it is the call, the charge God gives us a men. And God understands. Yes she can be frustrating. Yes, the well seems impossibly deep at times and no, she may never change. But the Father sits there and receives you in your fatigue with deep love and appreciation for the role you play in her life saying, “I know son, I know. I understand. I’ve given her to you for a reason. Go back. Never give up.”
This can’t be the way I choose to live —> “because she is going to validate me.”
It has to simply be the way I choose to live —> “because this is the kind of man I want to be.”
John – when Stacy isn’t doing good immediately accusation comes upon me. I resent that she isn’t doing well. I’ve got to take that to God, “Oh Father, rescue me again. Help me love. I want to love. I want to choose a life of love.”
This can’t be about my self-preservation or just “climbing the palm tree”. It’s got to be about love, having a heart of integrity, to be that kind of man. So when she’s having a bad day, I can be OK. “It’s not about me” – frees me up to love her, to pursue her. She’s not the report card on me as to how I’m doing as a man.
more to come next week…